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It all started with deception, loneliness and isolation.
Being taken away from his friends and family as a consequence of a situationhe never asked for,turned out to be a trigger for a vicious downward spiral he found himself trapped in.
He was just a shy kid back then. Back when he found himself in an overwhelming social void occupied only by the painful inability to really connect with someone, not even himself.
It is then that alcohol made its entrance into his life.
It was a way to get attention again, to be brave again and to numb down all emptiness, confusion and purposelessness. Or so did he think.
Over the 15+ years that followed, alcohol revealed to be a deceptive dangerous losing game.
Led downa somber path of disappointments, risky behaviors and near death experiences, the loneliness he was never able to get rid of, crossed path with an uninvited guest. In 2002, after 11 years of a dangerous commitment to alcohol and its consequences, he found out that he was HIV positive.
At that time, the loneliness he had attempted to drink away became worse.
Lonely because he had lost touch with himself, lonely because he was drinking and lonely because he had this health condition, the silver linings of his situation seemed to be non-existent.
And yet, the moment he gave up all hope was the very momentlife unfolded more surprises for him. And this time around, qualifying these surprises as positive would be an understatement.
A friend, a sponsorship to AA and words from a doctor, were the three elements that sent him straight onto a fierce path to recovery.
If loneliness was the cause of his demise 25 years ago, learning to embrace himself and helping people with an addiction to alcohol, are clearly the causes of his wellness. They are also the reason behind the peaceful aura he effortlessly carries with him.
Although he introduced himself as a recovering alcoholic, I would say that I’ve hadthe pleasure to talk with a winner. A man who hasn’t picked up a drink in 6 years and has been keeping the upper hand in his fight against AIDS for the past 14 years.
Here are his words.
CHILDHOOD
Tell me about your younger years. How was it? What memories do you have from it?
“I have very fun memories of my childhood. I think I can go back to when I was 6 or 7 years old. I had a lot of friends, I was well connected with my community. My family was very active in the community. My mom is very religious so I was brought up in a very religious home.
I think I was very shy.
In school I was pretty good until I got to grade 4. And I still remember as I’d read sometimes the report cards. I think for grade 4, grade 5 and grade 6, the report cards mentioned me daydreaming a lot. I think it makes sense because I can get carried away quite a lot.
So teachers complained that I daydreamed. I would be physically in the classroom but my mind would be somewhere else. My marks started, you know…I became weaker in maths…
I was good at making friends but I always had this thing…I was very shy.
For me opening up in front of the opposite sex was quite difficult. I think the shyness worsened as I approached my teenage years.
My dad used to complain that school fees were too expensive so we would look for schools which were not that expensive.I couldn’t get into the good schools here [in Dar es Salaam] and a friend of mine who was in the same school than me was moving to Nairobi.
So he told me about it. I told my dad about it. My dad talked to his dad and that’s how the idea to send me to Nairobicame. I left for Nairobi without expecting it would be different. So it was kind of a culture shock.”
As he was building his social circle and his own personality, he learned that he would have to leave the only home he had ever known. While he understood that he would be away from his friends and family, what he hadn’t anticipated was the cultural shock that awaited him. He, the shy boy who somehow still managed to make friends, would eventually find himself unable to keep up with his new school and unable to connect with anybody.
MOVING TO NAIROBI: BULLYING, CONFUSION AND REBELLION
“The thing is that I wasn’t happy”
“At the boarding school, on the first day I was introduced to reality. I was bullied. Someone punched me in the face so it wasn’t a warm welcome. It was a harsh welcome and I was like “what am I getting myself into?”
And…you know, it was very difficult for me to cope with because the school level was a bit harder in Nairobi, so it was difficult for me to cope up with that. I think somewhere down the line I just gave up. And I think the moment I gave up is when I started drinking.”
Who did you use to interact with in Nairobi since you mentioned it was different there?
“At first I couldn’t make friends so I used to kind of look forward to weekends where I would go and stay with my guardians. But then, you know, I started making a bunch of friends so I could spend weekends with them. There were about 40 boarders in our hostel so… I started interacting with them. I made some good friends, I made some bad friends. I was bullied quite a lot. I would always be asked to go and get things for other people and fetch this and all that, you know.”
Because you were the new guy?
“Because I was the new guy. I remember those times when I had to just literally drop everything and get stuff for people. It used to be quite an experience I remember.
But then I started making friends. But then….the thing is that I wasn’t happy.
I was quite content with the friends I had in my previous school, the other school. They were much better, they were more understanding. But these people were different. But you know, as days went by, it became easier [to deal with].
I started bunking school because I had made friends and one of them smoked cigarettes. So I started smoking with him so I could belong to…you know, something. I would bunk school and go to movies and just smoke cigarettes. I thought it was a very cool thing to do.”
FIRST DRINKING EXPERIENCE: “I LIKED THE ATTENTION. NOT THE TASTE.”
Did any of your friends drink?
“Well, first it started with smoking. Then one day, I remember, the first time I drank…the whole group of people in the hostel had gone to the movies.
When they came back from the movies these guys got off before the stand where we would usually get off. And they told me and a couple other guys to go back to the boarding. So what I did is that I waited for these guys to come back and then I took off with one of the cleaning guys who knew where the bar they had been to was.
So I went with this cleaning guy there and that’s when I was introduced to alcohol.
I drank two beers and I came back. And I drank those two beers very quickly so I think it made me feel just a bit different. It made me tipsy or whatever it was.
I wasn’t used to that feeling. I came back [to the hostel]and everybody kind of found out that I had been drinking and I was kind of rejected. And that’s where my journey with alcoholism started.”
So you drank. How did it make you feel?
“I felt different. I felt that I was the center of attention and I felt that everybody...”
Was paying attention to you?
“…was paying attention to me.”
And did you enjoy it? That attention?
“I enjoyed the attention more than…I didn’t like the taste of the beer and all that at the time.”
Although he liked the attention being drunk got him, he couldn’t ignore how wrong drinking felt to him. Indeed, he revealed to me that he had been previously exposed to his father drinking and that this wasn’t associated to anything positive in his memories.
“I knew that this wasn’t something good to do because I remember when my dad would drink two or three beers and he would start acting funny. He would become different. He would sometimes become angry, you know. He would lash out in anger at my mother. Every Saturday there would be some kind of problem at home, I remember. Every Saturday.”
ON THE PATH TO ALCOHOLISM AND RISKY BEHAVIOR
“I would always get opportunities to drink more”
That was the first time you drank and then…?
“Then I started finding friends who drank. So we would go to nightclubs and we would drink. From two beers it became five. And then I started upgrading. Upgrading to more beers.
And I liked the effect. And as I started getting drunker, I started changing my friends now, from all the good friends.
The thing was…people were different but I still made friends at that time also. I was lonely and then I missed home but even with all that I was still making friends. When I started drinking, those good friends took a backseat and then I started looking for other friends. Those friends were just social drinkers. At the boarding school there were also people who drank quite a lot. They were there by themselves, there was nobody to take care of them. So I easily found myself with people who would drink a lot.
A couple of my friends smoked marijuana so I also got into that. I didn’t like it. I was scared of it, you know. I knew that was illegal so I was scared of that. I liked the effect of alcohol.
So I got into this group which drank quite a bit and then you know…I’d be in situations where I would have to sell clothes. I would always be short on cash. I remember once my dad made the mistake of giving me the money for two school terms.
I spent it all on alcohol. So that was my obsessive compulsive behavior with alcohol.”
Since people knew you were drinking andsome of them were drinking themselves, was there someone who would say “maybe we should slow down, maybe we should try to moderate”?
“The thing is there were so many people that I would get into situations where I would be drinking with someone, come back, then I’ll go drink with someone else.
So there were always opportunities for me to drink more. Yes, lot of people told me “You’re drinking, you’re doing something wrong. You’re not studying, your attention has shifted”.
Yet those warnings didn’t change much to his behavior. He continues:
“I used to bunk classes you know. I was nearly expelled. I was suspended for 2 weeks.”
Your parents knew about that?
“I think my parents found out. My dad was kind of getting worried. He was receiving news that I am smoking and drinking. His health also started decreasing. So I got to a stage where I failed my A levels, completely. The highest mark I got was E. An E in English and the rest was below E. So that was my situation. And when I left for Nairobi I would get at least four to five A’s.
Things had changed in three years.
I came back here [in Dar] and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I think I had already crossed that invisible line to alcoholism. And mind you, I hadn’t been exposed to girls or anything. I was still very shy with that but then I started going to places where I was introduced to sex.”
How old were you?
I think the first time I had sex I was 16. So at that time, you know, the girls there would make sure that you are wearing protection. They would do that. So when I came back…
I notice that he takes a pause and sighs as he reminisces
“Again, I manipulated my parents and I got them to pay for my exam papers. Again.”
And how did you feel at that time?
“I felt very guilty. I felt very guilty. But then, that is the thing. That’s what alcoholism is: it makes you feel guilty.”
DARK HOURS
“I tried to commit suicide […] because I was freaked out, I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening to me.”
“So then what happened is that, at 18, I came back. I was doing these…you know they had those computer classes, so I would go for those computer classes and again, I would try to see if I could get a receipt for more money so that I could get more money [from my parents to spend on alcohol].
So my objective was just to have fun, party and all that stuff.
And then I got into a program which was too tough again. It was difficult. The same situation than what happened when I first changed schools occurred but then, at that time the classes had girls [enrolled in them].
See, now what happened was that when I’d drink I’d become a different person. I’d become an entertainer, I’d get loud and express myself. But that was just in front of boys, not in front of girls. I had never done that in front of the opposite sex.
So when I got to know a girl, obviously I fell in love. It was that feeling… just a feeling that you get when you see a girl and you like a girl. And again, I was also going to prostitutes. I didn’t want to study because it was too difficult. I got confused again and …I tried to commit suicide.”
He sighs again and I understand that to this day, revisiting these memories implies carrying over again the burden of his past actions. I remain silent to allow him to sort out which part of his memories he is willing to share with me. I then ask:
At 18?
“I was 18-19ish. I just took…I ate my dad blood pressure pills.”
What led you to this point?
“I was f---ing freaked out. I was scared. I didn’t know what was happening to me. So this is the whole alcoholic behavior and symptoms. I tried to commit suicide but then I was too scared to die so they rushed me to the hospital.
I had a stomach wash and then…they got me enrolled into the lower level of a….that was the advanced level diploma I was enrolled into so I went to, you know, just the basic level diploma. And then after that…I became friends with that girl I had a crush on. But it didn’t work out. So I think that it fueled that feeling of self-pity, of me not being good enough.”
“Did people in your program know about your tentative of suicide?”
“I think I told them about it. And I think that freaked them out. I was looking for self-pity. Again, I was looking for attention I think.
So it didn’t work out with that girl. Then I got a job. And then I got friends who drank. So I got opportunities to drink again. I got opportunities to drink more.
Then I got a good job, ten times the salary I was getting paid before.
I never gave money to my family. It was always on alcohol and on my friends, or so-called friends.
I did very crazy things. I tried to steal money, manipulate situations to get more money and all that stuff. I did lot of crazy things. I got into an accident and I lied to myself that it wasn’t my fault.”
“Do you remember the accident?”
“The accident was caused by alcohol, by drinking and…by my psychotic behavior. I was getting the driver drunk also. My younger brother was also there in the car. At some point the driver said something like “if there is an accident right now (we’re all drunk, he’s drinking, he’s driving the car) my dad’s two sons would die”.
I got so angry that I was like “ok…let’s find out”.
So I took the steering wheel and …I saw a car coming and I just drove our car into the other car. I don’t know what that was …that was a psychotic behavior…I don’t know. That was a really bad thing I did.
I could have killed myself, you know. The car was wrecked off completely. The car was wrecked off. But we lied to ourselves. We got a new car and we continued with our nights out. I was very lucky, you know.”
“So were you trying your luck? Were you trying to see how far you could go?”
“Yes.”
“Like…you were trying to figure out who would stop you or what could stop you?”
“Something like that. And that was something very wrong to do and I can see my insanity there. And this is in 95. I’m very lucky I didn’t lose my life. I’m very lucky I didn’t lose a job. I’m very lucky that I didn’t kill… there were two ladies, you know inthe car we had an accident with.
So this is my alcoholism at the peak. I think, when I started doing all those crazy things in Nairobi, I think I wasn’t a regular alcoholic.
Now that being said, remember I also talked about my daydreaming, getting carried away so I think that was one of the things, you know.
If you fuel it with alcohol you kind of become crazy. So this continued:I found work in another company, the salary was half what I was making. And with all the money going to drinking and all that, my friends changed. I had a new set of friends whom I had found in bars.
So that was the life then. Basically I just didn’t have a relationship with myself. How the hell was I going to get friends, you know?
And then obviously when I drank, I would also go and…when there was a lot of money I would go and buy sex. I’d go to prostitutes.
So that kind of became an attitude and that became a way of living also. Because I didn’t know how to talk to girls so I found this easier. I never got that experience of having, you know a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship.
I never had that. So I was very lonely inside. I think that loneliness actually started from the time I went to Nairobi.”
“Do you know what caused that loneliness?”
“The connection? Probably I couldn’t connect with people. I was feeling sad that I had been taken away from home because we couldn’t afford me staying in the international school. But actually, you know, it was just the way things happened at that time.
I could have gone back. You know the school where I was trying to get admitted in, they called me back. But it was too late by that time because we’d already paid for the other school.
So God has His own way of…it’s probably my karma or something. But I’m pretty sure that if I had stayed here, if I had been in front of my parents, just that respect and fear, would have not made me do all the crazy things I did.”
HITTING ROCK BOTTOM
“But then it was out of control completely. And this became a kind of attitude of…you know, having sex and then…I didn’t care, I wouldn’t wear protection. Again, how far can it go?as you said.
So in 2002 I think… I got myself checked [for HIV] once in 1992 and I was negative at that time.”
So you were still aware of that possibility.
“I was very aware that this is something which is not right, you know. In 2002, I thought “I should go check myself again”. When I did that I found out that I was positive. And that’s when the world just…fell apart.
I couldn’t keep it to myself so I told my dad. He couldn’t keep it to himself so he told my brother. My brother couldn’t keep it to himself…so it was a cycle. He told his wife. And for methat resulted in them telling me to move out of the house.
We had an old run down house. So after I found outI stayed there. And then they would send food. It was very depressing…there was no tv, there was nothing, just…”
Just you and your mind and your thoughts and all that?
“Yes.
I’d find work. I think when I moved out, I found work twice but I was in no state to work because, I mean I was an alcoholic so...I needed help but I didn’t know what to do. And then I had this problem [AIDS] so I was seeing a counsellor and the counsellor also said that I needed to go to AA.
My dad had also told me once in 2000. He got me to read an ad about free help for people with alcohol problems but …it didn’t digest to me. So within two years …I was hitting rock bottoms. I was just digging my grave. At that time I became…I started bringing prostitutes at home because it was cheaper.”
Why were you doing this? Because you were lonely? Because you didn’t care?
“I was lonely and I didn’t care and I was like…”
“Whatever” at this point?
“Whatever”.
And your family, did they know?
“They found out. They would find out. And they would always complain. So I got to a stage where I was, you know, very depressed. I was admitted to the hospital I think I was going through withdrawals. At that time one of my friends got me to the rooms (the AA meetings).
So that’s how my journey with AA started.”
THE PATH TO RECOVERY
Finding himself in the AA meetings helped him realize that many other people were living with alcohol problems. This created a sense of belonging and community. Yet, in his situation where he was carrying the double burden of alcoholism and HIV, it was hard to not notice how he would get stigmatized.
Opportunities to discuss his health condition would never present themselves. At the contrary, he would be asked to not discuss his HIV status, leaving him dealing with thisburden on his own.
“I was only able to talk about my drinking problem.[…] People would ask me to not talk about HIV, only about alcoholism”
“When I would go to the meetings, I was like “yes, these guys sound like me and I’d like to have what they have [a community to be a part of]”.
But I’d relapse because I wouldn’t work my steps. I wasn’t able to talk about my health problem. I was only able to talk about my drinking problem.
But it helped, you know, because I was very lonely. Now I had a place to go and make friends.
But then I learned the hard way that even they had their limits.”
While attending AA meetings definitely helped him, doing additional service outside his AA chapter and sharing his story to other people facing alcohol problems, is what really helped him with his recovery.
“If me just saying something about my experience and the way I am working with it, helps another person stay sober for a day, it means a lot to me. So, what happened within 6 years is that I stopped, I didn’t pick up (a drink) and my CD4 cells just doubled. So I don’t have a reason to drink today, you know.
So my health now…I feel very healthy. And then I stopped smoking so my viral load also decreased. So I got to a stage where I am undetectable. Now in the clinic, they say that, you know, “now you can get married. Now look for somebody to get married”. But in my culture this is not acceptable.
When they find out that I have a problem like this they just say no. In my culture, the thing is that, to find a woman with HIV is also difficult. And then I have, not just HIV, I also have alcoholism.”
You used to have.
“Well … they say alcoholism is something that is very tricky. And that’s the reason why people don’t know what alcoholism is. Alcoholism is a lifelong disease.
If you’re going to be with me, I’m an alcoholic for life. I can’t drink normally. I can never drink normally. For 7 years I tried that and I couldn’t. I know that if I pick up a drink I am going to feel miserable, this will just trigger an obsession and I will drink more.
I’m like a diabetic who can’t take sugar. The same way with alcoholics and drinks so I am an alcoholic for life.
If I have to grow spiritually, the 12 steps really help. It is just three things: trust God, clean house – which means clean yourself- and help others. And that’s what I am doing right now. I am helping myself and others. I am cleaning my house.”
I feel like this is all about loneliness. Because it started when you were lonely and you couldn’t make friends. Then you started drinking. Then you started seeing those girls. And now you’re doing service which helps you be connected to someone. So would you say that you helping people is a way to be connected?
“It is as way to take my loneliness away, yes. I think you’re right. 100%.
Because for me, the connection was there when I was very young and the connection starting…you know, that connection was not…something went wrong when I moved to Nairobi and I started drinking. It got broken. So I am finding my connection again right now. You know at this time, at this age.
Now I just need to stay connected. I need to get a relationship with my higher power. And I think I have that relationship with my higher power. My higher power has not let me down, it has kept me alive until today. I think I’ve come out of a major storm, tsunami, whatever you call it…”
What kind of tips could you give to someone to control their drinking?
“You’re either an alcoholic or you’re not an alcoholic. And the tips to control drinking is that you need to be responsible. Alcohol is the stepping stone to trouble. Alcohol can fuel something in you and gets you into compulsive behavior, gets you into drugs, you know? It can get you into, you know, unsafe sex. It can get you into gambling. It can get you into driving fast and accidents. So drink responsibly. If you can’t drink responsibly, don’t drink. If you can’t stop drinking, seek help.
This is free help. Seek help, find out if you’re an alcoholic or not.”
Do you think that people with an alcohol problem are aware that there is help available?
“They’re not. We need to do the work and that it is the process we’re getting in.
This convention we are working on is going to change things. The reason we are doing this convention is to spread the message and push further. And it starts with one person. I don’t carry the whole thing myself. I’m not doing this for myself. It’s a process and if I am going to help someone else, it’s a bonus.”
Would you say you’re giving people the help you didn’t get?
“Yes. Because I wish I had all that help when I was in trouble. I didn’t have a place to talk about my problems. I felt very isolated. And then I would get judged because this whole time they would say “don’t talk about HIV, just talk about alcoholism”. This is where I had my differences. People didn’t want to ….”
To hear about it?
“That’s how I felt. And I still feel like people who don’t have it, they don’t want to hear about it. They’re just like “thank God it didn’t happen to me”. But now I realize that, my problem is nothing compared to some of the problems people who don’t have AIDS, have. They have worse problems than myself.
So God has a way of doing this. And it’s ok…I take my medicines, now I don’t fall sick. I used to fall sick quite a bit before. I haven’t fallen sick for 3-4 years.”
If you could say one thing, one sentence to a person suffering from alcohol problem, what would it be?
“Get into the meetings. Get into AA, get a sponsor, work the steps. Get help. I think AA is the best way to get help. Nothing else worked for me. I mean if I hadn’t found AA, I don’t know. I’d have nothing to do right now. I’d just be sitting by myself.”
I didn’t want to start with this question because I wanted us to walk down the path of your memories together first but now tell me: who are you? How would you define yourself?
“I am a happy individual. I have accepted my situation. I am a growing person. I feel much more alive and happier today as a result of working the steps.
I’d say I am a recovering alcoholic and I am looking at the world with new eyes. I am still learning. I am still learning things about this world, about how to live in this world. I am learning things about myself and that’s the best place to be because I am in touch with myself. And the most important thing is that I am working very hard to be honest. I am working very hard to be aligned with my own self and I am also not letting me, myself, get in my own way.
Easier said than done. It’s been a process. I need members, I need other AA members in the same boat who go through this process. I need to do the work that God makes me do, help other alcoholics. I also look for opportunities where I can talk about my HIV more. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not a death sentence.
Look at me. 2002, 2016: 14 years, I am still going strong. It can be done, there is a future ahead. And I would say in short that I am very grateful. Very grateful to be sober and alive.”
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